Two revelations I had today

I have been working on developing my personal prayer life. We do prayers as a family, but I am very bad about doing them by myself. So Father has assigned me to do the Jesus prayer for a minimum of five minutes a day as a start. It is amazing to me how difficult it is for me to remember to do this every day first of all! But I have been doing better recently and today I had two revelations because of it. I even had to pull over and write the second one down. (Yes, I have been doing my prayers in the car. It seems to be the time I remember to do them.)

First, I realized how praying more often makes me more conscious of my own sins. The more I spend time with God, the more I realized how separated I from Him. I know, this is elementary for some, but for me this is a revelation! I'm slow that way!

The second one I am going to transcribe from what I wrote when I pulled over in the car:
I must live in a state of "preparing for my next confession." I cannot be forgiven my sins and then just 'coast' until a week or so before I am 'supposed' to do confession again. This is what true repentance is - a constant awareness of my separation from God.

I have never gotten confession because it always seemed so forced. Little did I realize how much I really need it! I think I have always viewed it as a duty, something I did because it was required for all good Orthodox at least 4 times per year. And how awkward that is, trying to figure out what to confess during those times! It reduced the time I spent examining my own heart down to the week or weeks of fasting leading up to "doing it". ICK!
I am beginning to realize what so many of you already have figured out - I need to live in a state of preparing for confession or as I have heard so many times quoted of St. Isaac of Syria: "This life is given to you for repentance. Do not waste it on vain pursuits." He's not talking about just the fasting times. He is talking about my entire life, every day, every hour, every minute, in the very busy-ness of my life.
Realizing all this suddenly makes praying easier and more desirable. Not a chore to check off my to-do list. But my to-do list is so long sometimes that praying has to be on there in order to ensure it happens. God is loving and kind though and meets me in the five minutes I give Him.
I met God today. In five minutes.